10/29: Liver biopsy results

...came back with good news!

it seems that the way that cancer mutated is such that the next generation tarceva (which i'll start calling tarceva 3.0, for clarity's sake) is the next western medicine step.  so. no agonizing choices about chemo or small-cell cancer mutations.  amen and blessed be!

i'll write more about it tomorrow, but right now i'm off to be silent (i'll explain) on an anniversary date with rebecca and then to go dance this happiness afterwards.

tonight our cup overflows with gratitude, to our Creator and to all our intercessors living and dead (i'll explain) and to your faith. and your prayers and gifts.

with gratitude
we surrender

in faith...

10/26: Work in Progress


so.  rebecca just went into SF today to get her eyes checked out via ultrasound.

they found no evidence of growths in her retinae!

the doctor said to come back in 6 months!

that's really nice.

now.  what i believe happened is that something was growing there that got expelled/dissolved/welcomed-to-leave by prayer.  that's my belief.  rebecca said that at the end of last week, after the 30 minutes vision blurring episode that i wrote to you all about, she felt another one kind of coming on.  and she relaxed.  and prayed. and breathed into a healing moment.  and the episode stopped.

so.  amazing.  so amazing!  thanks for your prayers, thanks for your faith.

i've uploaded some vids of the little bear in celebration.  enjaw!

diaper changing/wrestling:

leaping with the godmother:

mother and child:

our friend peti sings a blessing:

with gratitude
with love
with faith
with thanks for the gift of life that we travel

in the name of jesus
in the name of the marys
in the name of brigid

with gratitude to the One
we surrender


10/20 - Re:concerning

hi all --

yesterday, rebecca had an experience of blurred vision that lasted about 30 minutes.  that's similar to the earliest symptoms she started noticing a little over a year ago.

needless to say, i'm pretty scared right now.  collapsing a little bit.  rebecca's doing super well, though.  solid.  and solas is also doing well.  eating solids.

love you all so much.  your prayers are so vital in these times...

-- iridaea

with gratitude
we surrender


10/08: Prayerwork

just heard from seneca that they're all done with the procedure.

(seneca spent the day with rebecca, and rebecca sutton spent the afternoon of pre-process meetings with her yesterday, which allowed solas 'n me to stay home, which is oh my so good)

the gamma knife process went smoothly, and rebecca's in good spirits.

...but the best part is that they took a closer look at the pituitary gland and determined that there wasn't a cancerous growth there!  THANK GOD.

so, the pineal gland growth got treated, and here they come home driving down route 1 from SF to santa cruz, kind of a beautiful way to end the day no matter what kind of day you just had.

thanks so much for your work on this.  thanks for keeping it up, and thanks for keeping us close to your heart.

now i'm off to cry tears of relief for a little while...

we give thanks for the miracle of Creation
we give thanks for the fingerprints of the Creator all around us
we give thanks to participate in the miracle of life
we give thanks for rebecca's healing
we give thanks for the restoration of her eyesight
we give thanks for the ongoing health of baby solas
may rebecca be in radiant health
may rebecca's body be clear of all tumors

in the name of Love
in the name of the One
in the name of the Mother
in the name of the Son

in faith...

10/07: Procedure Thursday

hello all --

another brief update:

there's a procedure called "gamma knife" radiation that's apparently a more precise version of radiation therapy with fewer side effects, and our doctor recommended it for the growths in the vicinity of rebecca's pineal gland and pituitary gland.

after the briefing today, we learned that there's serious side-effects from radiating the pituitary gland And that the doctors aren't sure that what they're seeing there is indeed a tumor.  so we're gonna hold off on that bit for now.  especially since rebecca's physical and energetic health is Really Really good right now.  just bright and shiny and giving thanks.

the pineal gland work - on the other hand - seems more straightforward, so we're going straight forward with it.  clearing up that third eye.

please hold her in your prayers.  may our miracle continue unfolding through the hands of these doctors and nurses and all the everything in these places, and may rebecca remain in touch with the joy of the healing prayer she's living through the whole procedure.

also: solas had his 6 month check-up today.  turns out he's fine.

we give thanks for rebecca's healing
we give thanks for the restoration of rebecca's eyesight
we give thanks for the ongoing health of baby solas
we pray for rebecca to be in radiant health
we pray for rebecca's body to be clear of all tumors

in the nameless Name

in faith,

10/02: Biopsy went smooth

that's it!

we're running out the door to gillian, and will obviously obviously post results once we get them.  i'm expecting that'll be sometime next week, but i don't know exactly why i think that.

we give thanks for rebecca's continued health
we give thanks for the restoration of her eyesight
we pray for her body to be clear of all tumors
we pray for her to be in radiant health
we give thanks for the ongoing health of baby solas
we give thanks for baby solas' ongoing chubby smile

in faith -- iridaea

10/01: Liver Biopsy on Friday

brief update:

...one of the things our doctor recommended is a biopsy on the growth in rebecca's liver.  the goal is to figure out how the cancer mutated that rendered the current drug rebecca's been taking less effective.


they said they'd try to schedule us sooner than later.  and then there was a cancellation.  next appointment is october 16th, so we're taking this one.


tomorrow morning sometime between 8 and noon PST our beloved rebecca will be in the hospital with a needle in her liver and some really fantastic healers (including a dear friend) around her trying their best to shed light on our next steps.

and tomorrow evening she and i are going to see one of my musical heroes, gillian welch, in concert.  if you don't know what she's like, well she's like this www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyN-krBTWLY and like this www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NPEj63d0jY


prayers and meditations for rebecca's well-being, and the ability of the process to shed appropriate light on our path, are welcomed...as well as prayers that the aftereffects of the needle-poking fade quickly enough that she be able to fully enjoy the liveliness that the sacrament of music can bestow.


may rebecca's body be clear of all tumors
may she be in radiant health
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight
we offer gratitude for the ongoing health of baby solas
we pray for clear, gentle guidance in this healing path

in the name of the One


9/28: Difficult News

hi we've just returned from the oncologist's office and things aren't headed in the direction that he'd hoped.

the punchline is that you and i and all of those holding this thread know that healing is coming.  we know this.  the thing that's difficult in this moment is remembering that we don't know what the path looks like on the way there.  we only know what's in front of us.

so here's what's in front of us:

(point of information: cancer doctors call something a “growth” if it's less than a centimeter in diameter, if it's bigger than a centimeter they call it a “tumor”)

* the tumors and growths on her lungs have not changed appreciably

* there are new growths in her head on her pineal gland and her pituitary gland

* there are new growths in her liver, and one that was there before tripled in size from 3 mm to 9mm

* there are new growths in her adrenals and pelvic area

* nothing new appeared on the bones

there's two sets of next steps.  the western medicine next step is to get a biopsy of the biggest growth in her liver to see how the cancer has mutated.  if they can tell how the cancer changed, they can guess as to why the current treatment (tarceva) is no longer working as well as it was, and recommend a next step.  among those next steps are: new-and-improved tarceva, immunotherapies and chemo.  much more about all those later.

in the meantime, the liver biopsy will happen sometime in the next week or two (we're waiting to hear about their schedule), and after that there'll be some decisions to make.

for example, the new-and-improved tarceva and the immunotherapies are still not approved by the FDA for general use.  so you need to qualify for a clinical trial in order to get those drugs.  if she doesn't, then chemo would be an option to kinda hold things at bay until they do get approved.  it's a whirlwind.

which brings us to Our next step, the leap of faith.  first of all, obviously, your prayers have been keeping the lung metastasies from expanding, so our collective prayer will again move to a focus on her whole body.  beyond that, we really are seeking Divine guidance about what exactly to do.

...and the trick is that the guidance is always there, so really what we're asking for is to listen well.

specifically, we're praying to be given clear, gentle guidance to our next steps.

in other news, rebecca's health seems great except that she's always exhausted.  partially from the tarceva and partially from el kiddo.  one of the things we've been doing poorly on is making sure she gets her battery recharged at least once a week, so that's something concrete we're going to be calling in:  two consecutive days per week that we'll have enough kid care that rebecca is functionally on vacation.  that way she can sleep, and pray, and connect with her powerful, powerful intuition regarding God's plan for us.

(i want to say, we've had amazing support from so many people in this time who've helped hold the babe during nap time, and who've let the other babe nap during play time, and i'm certain that ourprognosis would not be as good as it is were it not for those helping hands...special awe offered to seneca the great, seneca the godmother, who is spitting her time every week between oakland and santa cruz in order to be a day-to-day part of this healing project, this faith dance, this nascent family)

and the little one's doing great.  he's now a beginner crawler, and it's very cute, and i'll post it soon because that's what this year has been: attending my dad's funeral with a new life in my partner's tummy, laughing on the way out of the parking lot the day we got the diagnosis and then crying on the shoulder of the highway, hilarious moments of beyond-joy with the little peanut and beyond-capacity collapse in the doorway to his bedroom because he Just Won't Sleep.  everything.  all together.  all the time.

rebecca just got back from accupuncture.  she said that it was very healing, and that she had a vision of being held and healed by jesus.  so that's a most welcome grace.

and i'm a little scattered right now it's like the news is an explosive blast and everything's still moving so quickly and nothing's landed quiet yet so i don't know how this fits in the flow of this missive but what i really am asking of all of you is to keep the faith.  keep believing, keep knowing that this healing is coming to rebecca.  in the jesus story, as he's being walked to his final miracle by the roman soldiers, he stumbles three times.  but each time gets up and keeps going.  faith is a teacher always in all ways, sometimes every way at once i guess.  and i guess i need you to lean on right now, i kinda can't get back up without you it turns out.  i need your belief, and your faith, and your prayers to lift this family up right now.  'cause we're a little bit tired is all.


may rebecca's body be clear of all tumors
may rebecca be in radiant health
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight
we offer gratitude for the ongoing health of baby solas
we pray for clear, gentle guidance on this healing path

in the name of jesus, healer
in the name of the holy mother
in the name of mary, the wise
in the name of brigid, the protector

sweet Creator we throw ourselves at the mercy of your Mercy
sweet Creator we offer gratitude for your grace

in faith,
the macai-bolgers

9/21: A Circle of Friends

you walk into group therapy. and it's just people. people and chairs and bottled water. a circle waylaid by loneliness with a facilitator to help draw it out like poison from a snakebite. or like a troop leader coaxing someone Else to suck poison out of a snakebite. or a bunch of snakebit little kids shouting over each other the story of how they got bit and why can't anything Please make it Stop. depends on the facilitator, really...



but anyway you walk in, and it's real people in real desperate circumstances. it's a woman taking care of her ex-husband. he's stage III. a mother caring for her son, he's stage IV. it's a man taking care of his wife. she yells at him for it. an aunt with a niece who's carrying this diagnosis. and a woman burdened by the pain she sees in the woman whose house she's been cleaning for 15 years.


and we're all sharing this cocktail of loneliness and fear, and the funny thing is, it tastes pretty good...it's like the difference between drinking at home alone and going to happy hour.


(there's Got to be a better metaphor out there...)


how's this: it's like when your lover leaves you. there's that moment where you believe that no one else could ever understand what you're going through because no one's ever been through something Like This, and there's the moment you transition into understanding that kinda everyone understands because they went through a love Like That that no one else could understand. it's the difference between getting hurt and getting healed.


it's good stuff. go, if you can go.


i go. i go once a week to "friends and family" group therapy. it's all caretakers - relations and other innocent bystanders of the innocent bystander. and basically we just go around and tell our stories. and it helps. a lot. there's no putting on a brave face here. there's no need. everybody knows, everybody gets it, you don't have to hide.


besides, they'd be able to tell.


and so we sit. i slide in late for my first group here in santa cruz. because we moved six times this spring, i've become well-versed in what happens when a new person shows up to an established group. everyone tells their story again, to bring me up to speed with their life, their struggle. to give me a glimpse of their pain. it's a beautiful thing.


every time that i'm blessed to be in that position, to be witness to the circle sharing its heart to me, i'm touched. i feel their pain, and it harmonizes with mine like the chorus of a good punk song and i cry. such a gift! having the space (literal, temporal and energetic) to cry is an amazing gift. these days it always leaves me with that it-just-rained-on-a-hot-day-and-there's-steam-on-the-meadow feeling in my inner landscape.


and every time that it comes around to me, and i tell our tale - yours & mine & our mustard seed - and i tell them about the tumors and the diagnosis and the pregnancy, there's a gasp. a gasp that feels good, like crying feels good. like a nice reminder that the thing that's continually sweeping you off your feet and either depositing you on your buttocks or swooping you up to celestial heights is something that ruffles the feathers of even seasoned cancer dancers.


...reminds me that my pain and yours and the support i've been and received and the support you've been and received and the otherwordliness of this whole experience isn't just me being dramatic ('cause i can be pretty dramatic).


last week was the first time i'd been in a group therapy space more than once in a row. and i wasn't sure what to share when it came around to me: everything's still wonderful/insane. if health was just How You're Doing, i'd say rebecca's in Excellent Health. in fact, i did just that filling out a medical intake report at the new clinic we're being seen at (for non-cancer care stuff).


first question: how is her health? "very good"

second question: anything else? "she's been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer"


those two things somehow are both true. and so that's what i talked about and the thing in group therapy is that pretty much no matter what you say, it's the right thing. it's part of your inner monologue coming into the light and a circle of kind eyes and open hearts holding you. and when they nod, it may actually be because they understand.


then the woman next to me shared. and she was talking about how her husband started off with one doctor and now has something like nine specialists and it's all she can do to shuttle him around to the various places for his appointments each week. and in a group like this, you can commiserate that cancerous tumors aren't the only things in western civilization that metastasize.


and then it's the next man's turn, but what's this? he actually is a cancer diagnosee - a primary actor on life's malignant stage. he misread the description of this group. well, he's here; he can share. he shares. he says that he initially got his diagnosis from a doctor who said that chemo could maybe give him a year. he'd just finished many rounds of chemo for something in his kidneys and then this was a new batch of tumors they'd found in his liver. and he was sick of chemo and told the doctor so, and the doctor said without it he wouldn't make it two more months.


this guy turns down the chemo, walks out of the office, and changes his diet and his lifestyle and his relationship with his son, and it's been more than two years since that doctor gave him two months. he said for the first year, he kept going to check-ups with this doctor, and another one - they'd metastasized - and they kept urging him to start chemo back up, with dire predictions if he didn't comply.


"finally," he said, "i just stopped going to the doctors. i just got so tired of being told i was going to die."


what a joyous sentence! what a beautiful thing to live to say! it was glorious. it was a gift. it was the end of the session.


that's the thing, these things are only an hour, and they really should last...i don't know, like a week. but "should" doesn't mean much to many, so we pack up and hug and leave.


and i come home, and i come home to solas and rebecca and i come home to you. emails and care packages and letters and i realize again how profound it is to be gifted with this little, growing group of people co-holding this mustard seed. thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for carrying this with me, with us. thanks for walking this faith journey, for making it yours, for making it Ours.



rebecca's next set of scans are this friday. there's a pagan practice of praying for the sun to rise on winter solstice at the end of the longest night of the year. i think that's a beautiful physically-lived practice of faith. we know this healing is coming. we know this! we can take refuge in that knowledge -- we, in fact, are called to just such refuge. and yet we pray anyway, because that miracle wants to come through us, to touch us with its grace, with its love, with its Love.


and so we pray...

may rebecca's lungs be restored to perfect health

may her body be clear of all tumors

we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight

we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas


in the name of jesus

in the arms of mary & mary

in the mantle of brigid


in the hands of the One

may we be instruments of Your will



in faith...

-- iridaea

9/08: What's in a Name?

our next set of scans approaches, september 25th. please keep your prayers a-coming!

random neat thing:
a dear friend of a dear friend who's becoming just a regular old dear friend wrote an article about this path of living we're on and mentioned our story in it:

thanks so much moana!

news on the home front is scary, but only for good reasons. which is to say that solas is real close to crawling, and that is frightening to me. because it's gonna be hard on me when he moves out of the house.


in the meantime, i've been trying to teach him to ask for milk using sign language. it's a trick my sister jenny taught me. she said that little ones know the word for what they want before their mouths are physically capable of saying it, and that teaching a little ASL (American Sign Language) helps everybody out.


from what i can recall of that conversation, the ASL for "food goes here" is putting all your fingers together in a little cone and jabbing them at your mouth. something like that. anyway, yesterday when he was fussing and it was just about food o'clock i gave it a shot. but i think i need my sister to talk to him, because after i showed him the sign he just arched his back, threw both arms straight up over his head, and shrieked.


i showed him the sign again, and said, "food?"


he made it clear that he had no plans to change the course he'd set for our conversation.


i gave him the milk.


rebecca's doing pretty well. mostly well. i mean, given her diagnosis she's doing great, but...well, one of the primary side effects (we're all friends here, right? i can talk about this?) from the tarceva is diarrhea, and this past week was pretty intense for her in that respect. she took immodium AD and it cleared up and she's been extra focused on hydrating and beyond just feeling extra exhausted has good energy. so. more naps than usual are needed. and sometimes she even gets them.


...i guess that's the craziest, realest thing is that her energy's good when she's not exhausted, and we're super happy when the sorrow doesn't catch us, and the kid's cheery when he's not cranky. i'm tired. and there's so much stuff we're just not getting to. kinda basic stuff, like keeping a supply of herbal/mushroom tea cooked. or using up the strawberries and kale we buy before they go bad. or going to the gym a few times a week. it's just a lot of balls to have in the air. and we never studied juggling.


i was checking in at group therapy tonight (more about that in my next post), and during my check-in i didn't know what to say. they knew my basic scene from the last time we met (which was my first time with the group). so i'd already done the big reveal: lung-cancer-plus-mom-and-bytheway-my-dad-died, ta-dah! how were your last two weeks? kinda the same. kinda still in shock, always, but not great or terrible, really. just off-kilter in a weird way. off-kilter in a way that's become the new normal. on-kilter, i guess.


anyway, as you can gather, i babbled for a bit and then came to this:

the way i feel is just totally unprepared.


the dawn's a surprise and the night falls too soon and all the time i'm leaning on something invisible to hold me upright. so that's how we've been, i think, and i thank God and i thank all of you for being with us in the dawn and the nightfall, and all the travels and travails and these invisible arms of support that prop us up. i've heard rumors that i've been strong. it's not true. i have strong community, and i have strong faith. thanks for sticking around, all of you. we really can't do this alone.



okay, now i have some non-baby but related-to-baby news:


some of you know me as dave,

and some of you met me as meddle (long story).


dave is still a name i use (long story), but i'm no longer using the name meddle.


i have a new name. and the name is iridaea (pronounced [ear.ID.ee.yuh]).


(facebook friends of mine already have seen this in a post - this seems like the right moment to share here)


partially this was coming for awhile because the name meddle just seemed like it was falling off of me. not quite fitting right in my mouth and the mouths of the folks around me. more of a memory (and a fond one!) than anything else.


and that feeling moved from being partial to being total once we became pregnant. i've always been pro-reclamation of those things discarded and made repugnant and "other" by our society -- like the archetype of a meddler, or the label of "witch" or "anarchist" etc. -- as important ways to make sure we're not artificially limiting our dreams by submitting our language to the control of the herd...


...but raising a tiny human it didn't feel like i wanted him to leap those hurdles every time he needed his daddy.


but knowing your old name is fading doesn't mean you know which name is coming next. over the last year or so, i had thoughts about what my name might become. "nettle" was something that came to me, and i tried it on right after the birth but it also didn't stick.


but then in a stretch of solas care where i got stretched, i knew i needed help with focusing more on connecting with spirit throughout my days.


see, i'd fallen into a lazy habit of being Blah and blaming it on lack-of-time-to-practice. left to my own devices i'll do a couple hours of practice in the morning and then afternoon and evening prayers to keep me connected. Connected.


and in the last five months, i've averaged about 15 seconds of mindfulness prayer time per day -- in my solo practice, that is. the number skyrockets when we have pilgrims visiting our temple who can co-hold the prayer work. or just co-hold the babe.


so i wanted to find different ways of being more connected to God, to the Divine, throughout the day. some of it is reading sacred texts when i'm holding the little bean, instead of old tour diaries. some of it is singing sacred music to him as lullabyes. and some of it is taking on a name that conjures for me the flowing, encompassing love of the sea. the life of the ocean, she the source of all our life.

and when people call me iridaea, it invokes that presence in me. it waters my heart.


for iridaea is a seaweed. an iridescent rainbow dances in its flesh, and it populates the shores of northern california and cascadia, and it's always welcomed me to the summer harvest with a twinkle and a wave.


now, for those of you for whom calling someone "meddle" was a stretch, and who feel like a 40-year-old man picking out his name from surf vegetation is tasteless/impossible, please feel free to call me dave. my mom is, and she's good company to be in. no hard feelings, 'kay?





may rebecca's lungs be restored to perfect health
i offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight
i offer gratitude for the continuing health of baby solas and his fat little thighs
in the name of Love

8/31: Daily Devotion

we wake up in the morning.


well, he wakes up and then i wake up and then rebecca keeps on a-sleeping. and i scoop him out of his little bed-with-a-fence and we trundle to the living room. he has his breakfast of donated breast milk - the gift of life offered freely by a mothers overflowing with an abundance of love, mothers who have stepped into the role of universal nurturer, the archetype of the Goddess. i have my breakfast, some eggs.


he's done, he's ready for the day or at least the carpet. i put him on the carpet. he looks around, takes in the scene, and starts his morning calisthenics. there's bicycling (like a spin class taken on your back), followed by head lifts, followed by leg lifts. but that's just the warm up. it's followed by a tumbling routine that transitions into what can only be described as a heroic session of the yoga cobra pose.


...which is my cue to start in on my daily yoga. the terms are from sanskrit, and since they might not be familiar to everyone reading named my mom i will offer a quick guide to the lingo:


item #1: "asana" means "pose"


that's all i got...


i begin my practice with leansidewaysasana, hoping that the pain i feel in my low back is Productive. then there's layonmybackasana, with a twist. literally, i twist while laying on my back. finally, there's sitonmyassana, which involves watching solas watch me watch my feet.


eventually he gets tired of me, and tired of cobra pose and begins yelling at the rug. i pick him up and set him on the futon, but he yells at the ceiling. then i take him onto our porch and he yells at the outside. then i put him on my shoulder and he yells at me.


finally, i give him a little stuffed rabbit friend and he maws the ears. ah, what a beautiful morning!




here's video corroboration: youtu.be/mJ40HKA8ws8




...and there's a handful of new pictures here: www.youcaring.com/tidewalker


we are almost at the point of being able to direct you to a website that's not an ancient fundraiser in order to look at pics. but not quite there yet. and in the meantime, the picture gallery at youcaring has become much more user-friendly....i may have mentioned that last time already. it's still true. if it was then.



here's another video of solas doing more proto-crawling: www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcDdPuogMA8




beyond all that, things continue to roll well. i'm contemplating the ways in which our lives are bookended by miracles. starting with birth, the animation of what was inert - the planting of the gift of breath - the passing along from mother to child a heartbeat....and then ending in death! how glorious! the rejoining of us into Source, in perfection. the falling away of all illusory boundaries we've held onto in our life that make our separation from God seem so real. joining the choir who's composing all the vibrations of the building blocks of the universe, taking our place in the easy harmony carried along by the waves we made in this life with the songs we sang and the dreams we walked and the pain we wept.


that these things are commonplace in no way detracts from their miracle-ness.


...and yet i want more. most of us do, at one time or another. and what a merciful Creator, what a fabulously attentive Divine Lover we have that gives so much and does not say "that's enough," who still leaves Their fingerprints all over our paths, and asks us to ask Them for what we need.


i pray for the mercy of rebecca's unfolding miracle, and i pray to always sing praises for the miracles i am already enfolded in.



may rebecca's lungs be restored to perfect health
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight
we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas


in the name of Love



in faith...

8/23: Your Footprints



it's august. people travel in august. have you been on vacation? it's been a month since i wrote -- have you wondered if maybe we were on vacation? we kind of have been: a brief little vacation from sleep.


but that's (maybe) settling down and the little one is consistently out at 8pm and getting up between 4 and 7am. we're very much counting our blessings that way.


beyond that i don't like doing a lot of writing about how i wish i'd been doing more writing, but there it is: you've been on my mind. i wish i'd written more often in these past weeks. it means so much to be in touch with you, to hear back from you the way you're carrying this prayer, the way this is touching your life.


so. please feel the love underneath the silence. it's kinda like that old story "footprints." except that in the times you don't sense that i'm around, i'm completely overwhelmed with life, and you're supporting me.


anyway, here's The Things I Have To Say:


rebecca started taking a pool fitness class, one of those where you do aerobics and stretchy kind of things in the water. it's billed as a rehab class i think, and she said that it's mostly people recovering from back or hip surgery. she says she's the only one still in possession of anything but grey hairs.


and she loves it! being there means that she can do everything the instructor says, she feels great about her capacity, and it's improving week to week, little by little.


the class after rebecca's is for pregnant moms. one thing that's become compulsory for us since becoming new parents is that if we see someone with a kid that's within a year of solas' age (in either direction) we chat up the parents. i don't know what they get out of it. i'm not even sure what we get out of it. maybe just a sense of connection, a sense that maybe they'll understand that birthing is a front-row seat to a miracle no matter how commonplace it is, like a sunset that you bring home with you and rock to sleep. a sense that maybe these people can understand that we just birthed a tiny god.


that was a thing that came through in rebecca's pregnancy. you know, we live in a culture that doesn't value motherhood all that much. there's a lot more lip service paid to it than there is public assistance paid to struggling moms. there's enormous gender disparity in wages, and if a political candidate supports family leave for new parents they're an unelectable radical. i could go on. so could you.


well that all landed on rebecca's heart when she was pregnant. we were living on that sheep ranch and she came to a point where she just couldn't do any chores. one day she informed the folks we lived with that even the lighter-duty work she'd signed on for wasn't within her capacity and we walked back home and i held her and she cried.


she said she felt useless. like she wasn't contributing and that it wasn't okay even though people said it was okay it didn't feel okay to her and did anyone give her that impression well no but still...


and at the very same moment she said she felt like she was doing the most important work that there was. and that there was a light in her that she wanted to celebrate and have celebrated. she said she knew what mary felt like, because she felt like she was carrying the light of God in her belly and that the whole world didn't care and didn't understand. and she felt like No One understood. and that felt true for a little bit. and then she thought about all of the other women who've ever been in hopeless love with their babes. they must understand. and especially every latina who ever named her child jesus.


so, it's after rebecca's rehab-robics pool class, and she's talking to another mary about her incoming jesus. the woman was showing and rebecca asked how many and she said five months pregnant.


"ah, beautiful. we have a five-month-old at home!"


"oh, what are you here for?"


"i was in the physical rehab class that just ended"


the woman pauses, thinks about all the things that can go catastrophically wrong with a pregnancy, thinks about how she doesn't want to think about all those things, thinks about how she kinda wants to know what went on with rebecca 'cause maybe there's something she should know about, finally she realizes: "...i don't know if i want to know."


"oh, don't worry! i have cancer!"



she told me the story when she got home and we laughed and laughed. and then she cried and cried. she misses being pregnant, and she misses those five days when she was breastfeeding, and she feels kinda like she missed out on the birth and motherhood she dreamed of. it's also possible that we'll never have another kid, that this is our one and only. and oh what a privilege to have a child come into your arms, your family. and still there's dreams and when the water of life meanders around them they wither and die.


and that's hard.


of course.


it's a hard course to travel. when rebecca was nursing she said, "i knew that i'd like this, but this is the best feeling i've Ever had."


and then we had to stop five days in. agonizing.


and it's because of the cancer treatment. this tarceva, that maybe comes in second to your prayers in importance, that helped open the floodgates of healing and tumor dissolution, this tarceva means she couldn't breastfeed. and that was hard.


is still hard.


of course.


and i'm so grateful for it.


when a mother breastfeeds, there's certain foods that are Great for fighting cancer that are Not Great for your breastmilk. parsley is one that i remember. there's others. also when a mother breastfeeds, her energy is going into the baby. also when a mother breastfeeds, she's gotta get up to feed the kid in the middle of the night.


that's great for a healthy ma. that's an incredible gift to the kid and mom and kid-mom intimacy. but that's not where we need rebecca's head, heart or body to be in the middle of the night when her body's rebuilding itself. her energy needs to go into her. what a weird balancing act that is for a first-time ma with an extroverted heart.


my point is that if it weren't for the tarceva, i don't know that we would have had the strength to end the breastfeeding so quickly. and it's absolutely the best choice to make for her health. and so we're grateful for that effect of the drug, cruel as it seemed in the moment.


we're giving thanks for the obliteration of that path; otherwise we might not have turned from it.




the last scans we had, you've already heard, showed progress in a positive direction. but not anywhere near as positive as the scans before. especially her lungs are still riddled with tumors, tiny tumors but they're there nonetheless.


and so i think it makes sense to direct our prayers that way. some folks have been focusing their prayer work on the gramma tumor on her upper left lobe. now let us all restore rebecca's lungs to their state of wholeness. let her lungs know only radiant health. the doctor said he'd never seen all evidence of tumors disappear from someone's eyes before. lungs, you're next!


may rebecca's lungs be restored to perfect health
may her body be clear of all tumors

we give thanks for the restoration of her eyesight

we give thanks for the ongoing health of baby solas


with praise to the air that carries our praise

with praise to the fire that glows in our hearts

with praise to the water that carves our paths

with praise to the earth that holds us close

with praise to the Spirit that our souls remember


in the name of jesus

in the arms of the marys

under the mantle of brigid



with faith...


7/29: Progress Report

<who's gonna read a salutation in a note like this, anyway?>

the string of good news continues!

our oncologist says that nothing's getting bigger, some things have shrunk, and some have disappeared.  basically the same as last time, but he said one gets the biggest Bang for the buck in the early stages of taking tarceva, so it's not as dramatic this time.

but here's where we're at:  very very small tumors remain in the liver.  nothing on the adrenals or spleen. no swelling in the lymph system.

there remain tumors throughout the lungs and on her bones, pretty much the same as they saw on the last scan.

additionally, the MRI of her head confirmed what we'd heard before, which is that there's no evidence of tumors remaining in her eyes -- and that's something our doctor said he's *never seen before!*

("With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." - matthew 19:26)

so, we're continuing to head in the right direction here, praise God!  this feels so good!  thanks so much for what you are, what you believe, what you've done to cultivate a relationship with prayer, and how you've lended that to our humble cause.

what this feels like right now is it's time to take it to the next level in terms of what we're doing here.  first of all, the new little one is starting to sleep more and more of the night, which means i need to take fewer and fewer naps, which means rebecca can get more and more sleep.  which is huge.

stumbling through one's days bleary-eyed and confused is no way to mount a major health campaign, but you go into these things with the energy you have, not the energy you want (i'll write you a poem on a topic of your choice if you know who i'm paraphrasing there).

but as we get our feet underneath us in santa cruz and into some kinda waking/sleeping rhythm, we're going to start incorporating cleansing fasts to boost her immune system, alongside the continuation of the filtered water, mushroom tea, live sprouts, prayer and visualization.  and laughing a Lot. and exploding hearts with baby love.  all the things, 'cause i feel like it's time for all that to become more robust, to dissolve these tumors and send them (with all possible Love) back to our shared Creator.

...cause up til now it's been kind of a struggle just to keep our heads above water.  and if she's gotten This Much Better while we're flailing, well...imagine what effect this mustard seed of faith can have on a human's system that's moving more into alignment with the healing process?

because here's the thing, the punchline, the reward for making it through my prose.  i asked the doctor today where we're at, in terms of the initial diagnosis.  if we think about the largest amount of cancerous tumors occurring in march, what percentage are we at right now?

and he said we probably have 10 to 15 percent of the tumor mass that we had then.

which is like whoa.


which is celebration and fireworks in the sky waking children up from dreamy slumber into their parents' welcoming arms to join in the dance the all night prayer vigil of thanks because c'mon that's brilliant, that's a miracle, let's get lively...

aaaaaaaaaaaand it just always seems in things like this that the last 10% is a slog, right?  so we want to turn it up.  maybe the pills have done what they can to eliminate and now they're mostly holding it at bay and it's up to you and i and the faith we can conjure to get rebecca all the way to all the way clear.

maybe.  i don't know how it all works but i'm just glad to be in it with you.

if you're a visualization kinda person, it seems that the biggest remaining tumor is the grandmother tumor, the one they think was the original site for the metastases.  it's on the top of the left lobe of her lung and it is now 1.4 x 2.0 cm.  at our scan in may it was 1.5 x 2.0 cm.  let's get that gone, distance healers!

for the rest of us:

may rebecca's body be clear of tumors
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight
we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas

in the name of jesus
in the arms of mary
in the mantle of brigid

in faith,

7/24: Yerstory

hi all!

okay, the big next thing is almost upon us.   we go in for rebecca's next set of scans this monday, july 27th, starting at 11am pacific time.

so.  i guess no need for me to spend time telling you why your prayers feel especially potent at this time.

...and we'll get the results at a doctor's visit on the following wednesday, july 29th.  i'll post something to you all that night.

in the meantime, rebecca's continuing to do well in terms of her spirits.  she's having more side-effects from the tarceva like dizziness, thinning hair and a skin rash...but you know, in the grand scheme of things it's nothing that harsh.  right now she's at the beach, solas is sleeping, and i'm here with you.  not a lot to complain about, really...

solas -- he's actually sleeping some.  the main next thing for us is to night-wean him, so he's not getting up for food at 1am and then at 430am.  when i wrote previously about the crying-it-out thing, i think that night weaning is actually what we were needing.

after i wrote that post 100 years ago in june, i did some reading (at rebecca's insistence, it should be said) and it seemed like 3 months was too early to stop the night feeds...but he'll be 19 weeks this sunday so i think we'll start.  exciting times.  it also seems like he's cueing us that he doesn't need them as much --  he used to knock down 4 or 5 ounces of milk each time, now it's more like 3, and in the last couple of nights that he woke in the night, he fell back asleep before i could warm up the milk.  those all seem like encouraging signs.  plus he's got plenty of delightful roundness to him. so there's that.

for me, i'm starting to get back into the work flow, which is scary/exciting.  so grateful to all of the support we've gotten in being able to take these first 4 months and focus on family stuff. hopefully we start getting into a rhythm that includes food sleep and love in abundance. 

enough about us, what about YERSTORY?

rebecca had been keeping a birth journal last fall and winter, with the intention of giving it to solas when he's older so he can know the story of his birth.  and then she stopped keeping it when it seemed like she could only report on the bleakness of the situation.

and then we've had all of these Incredible things happen, and we've had our family held by our broader Family in such an unexpected and wonder-filled way.  thanks for being part of that.  and we wanted to create a birth book for solas that includes your stories, your version of this history, Yerstory.

so if you're called to write something down about your experience of This experience, whether it's around the birth, around how you marshalled prayers into the service of this crowd-sourced faith, around how you wrangled breast milk or cancelled a trip in order to come be at rebecca's bedside in the hospital or brought food to the people that were or anything anything.  we just know there's hundreds of really captivating stories out there, and we'd love to be able to read 'em and share 'em with solas when he's old enough.

...well, i guess they've already been shared with him.  but the words will remind him...

and if you're not a writer but a talker, let me know and we can interview you!  it's an area we want to build skill in for future projects.

we are also nurturing the fantasy that maybe the record of this experience could prove useful to others who find their backs up against the wall, others who need help finding their way through...and i enjoy creating these word collages...so we're heading towards publishing something like a compilation/refinement/enhancement of these mustard seed posts, and thought maybe it'd work to use some yerstory segments in that as well, to fill out the perspective.

no promises.  obviously.  but we just got our first rejection letter from an agent in new york, so you know the journey's officially started!

on that tip, if anyone has contacts in the publishing world or advice, that would be quite helpful at this moment!

blessings and love to you for all that you hold, all that you give.

may rebecca's body be clear of tumors
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight
we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas

in the name of jesus
in the arms of mary
under the mantle of brigid

in faith...

7/21: Blues Fading

fading blues - those are the colors in solas' eyes now. he was born with midnight baby blues, and their coloring is changing to something more like the streams of water that cascade off of icebergs into the sea. the electric sunburst lightning storm around his iris is becoming more pronounced. and you can see his consciousness peering out through his eyes. that's fairly new. for a long time he didn't really bother with what was going on in front of him. he was more preoccupied with the neverending parade of angels and fairies that circle the heads of those new to this world, who sing them into this life, who ease them out of the formlessness communion we all come from. his eyes now focus, take you in, follow you around the room.

and right now i just can't get the things to close.

we're laying in bed. it's 1am and he's not tired. not enough to sleep, anyway.

i'm told that children right around his age begin to value socializing more than sleep. and so that's why he's less likely, starting about a month ago, to follow the following (seemingly) simple procedure:

step 1: feel tired
step 2: see if it's safe to go to sleep
step 3: are you sure?
step 4: go to sleep

doesn't that seem straightforward? it feels so crazy frustrating that i have to spend a lot of time talking everyone's ear off when they come to hang out.

"isn't it crazy? you know? just 'go to sleep, little man.' "
"i mean i'd Love to sleep. who doesn't like to sleep?"
"him! that's who! he doesn't like it! i just don't get it. why would he stay up when he's tired?"
"why just cry when you're sleepy?"
"...well. well, yeah sure, but sometimes i know i need to sleep but instead i go online and binge watch 'game of thrones' until my roomate comes home. that's kinda the same thing."

and here we are on the bed at 2am: he my wayward alarm clock, me his netflix.

waiting for milk to heat up, wondering who we'll be when we grow up. he used to need to nestle in my arm to sleep. then it became possible for him to sleep without my arm surrendering to pins and needles below his head. i was so relieved. but then it became imperative for him to sleep that way. and now i have empty nest syndrome. it just seems like yesterday that he was a little baby. but now he's moved on. not into the same old stuff anymore.

in the last few days he's started to hunt his thumb. he'll hold his arm out full length, like a painter getting a perspective for a tree in her landscape, and squint at it for awhile. and then you can see him think: "i think my thumb's in there." and then: "this is Totally what my elbow's for." then his elbow will slowly bend - "this is awesome!" - until the hand lands on his forehead - "success!" - where it will rest until he remembers that he was trying to distract himself.

then the whole clenched hand, complete with thumb wrapped in the fingers and totally inaccessible, goes in the mouth.

(sorta) success!

by now i've given up on the bed and i'm walking around in the 3am grayscape with him in my arms, a hostage holding his captor to his chest, totally madly in love.

he's like a machine that takes in breast milk and exudes joy. & i know he's a super easy kid, all things considered. all we have to do is meet every need or desire he has before he has a chance to notice it.

...he's like having the worst boss of all time, if i'm being honest.

boss: come here! i'm very upset!
you: <come dashing in, because you're dashing> heya! what can i do?
boss: very upset!
you: okay! okay, how about i pick you up and rock you?
boss: bad things are happening!
you: right, boss. let me just see if you've pooped yourself.
boss: you're not doing it right!
you: how about a pacifier?
boss: oh that's great
<suck suck suck>
<pop, the pacifier falls out, and...>
boss: worst! this is the worst! this is waaaay worse...
you: okay well here's a bottle
boss: it totally doesn't count unless it's in my mouth
you: it's warming up!
boss: waaaaaaaaaaHHH. AH-WOO! AH-WOO! ah-woo! ah-woo!
<bottle goes into the mouth>
boss: oh this is the stuff! that's what i like, this right here. this is the Best! and you're the best!
you: ...you're gonna take care of me when i'm old, right boss?

actually. 50% of the time it's having the worst boss. and 50% of the time it's *being* the worst boss.

being a first time parent, the list of unanswered questions continues to grow...from "what can he possibly want now?" to "how long is too long to let him contentedly play by himself?" but the main one that comes up, over and over, is "where do i turn myself in?"

as in:

he's got a tummyache from some of the breastmilk. i didn't catch it beforehand! where do i turn myself in?

...or i was holding him and he slipped and hit his head on the arm of this chair! where do i turn myself in?

...or i had to get diapers and on the way home i parked the car a block from my house for 10 extra minutes of listening to an interview on NPR. that's not allowed, is it?

...or he fell asleep and i thought "finally!" that's not great, right?

and then i fell asleep too.

blissful sleep in the comraderly stupor of the utterly worn-out. like prizefighters slumbering in a clinch.

and then morning stirs us awake - sunlight and birdcalls in a quiet summer beachhouse. i hear the gentle murmur of his consciousness returning. i see the day streaming through the blinds and i search for a spark in my spirit through the veil of exhaustion in my bones and the dread knowledge that i'm ready for a nap first thing in the morning.

...and then i catch his eye. and he smiles, his eyes crinkling with delight to be reunited with the day, with the dawn, with his daddy. and his joy pours into me, kindles my fire, twinkles my eyes. and i can feel my blues fading.

may rebecca's body be clear of tumors
we give thanks for the restoration of her eyesight
we give thanks for the continued health of baby solas

in the name of jesus
in the arms of mary
under the mantle of brigid

in faith...

7/06: The Breast You Can Do

hello all --

in our intitial flurry of donations back in march, we received 3000 ounces of milk donations, and that was enough to last us three and a half months!  amazing...and so i'm sharing this with you in case any of you know folks in the general area that are in a place in their lives where they can donate.

thanks for all you do!

in faith...


hello all --


this is a request for breastmilk donations for our 4-month-old, solas. rebecca - his mother and the love of my life - was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in her third trimester, and the treatment that she's taking precludes breast feeding as an option.


please if you can support us in this moment, fill out our google-form (docs.google.com/forms/d/1YiZyZg_CvwqKRuEmOvyj0ymwMPMcmyPiLYsrAVQFzsw/viewform) with your vitals and i'll be in touch soon. or contact me directly at dave@cascadiaengineering.com if filling out a googleform is a barrier for you.


to state the obvious, the need to solicit breastmilk for her child has been an emotional challenge for rebecca, but the literal outpouring of support we've gotten from the breastfeeding community in the area thus far has been a tremendous emotional boost! so many generous moms out there, so many anonymous wonderful folks, so many reasons to give thanks.


on that tip, thanks in advance for forwarding this to your networks in santa cruz (where we're based) and the bay area (where we often go).


...for updates on how the treatment has been working (as well as pictures of mother and child), please go here: www.youcaring.com/tidewalker


...and more in-depth updates are available on our "mustard seed" mailing list, which you can subscribe to by sending an email to themustardseed+subscribe@googlegroups.com


why is it called "the mustard seed"? well, as we've moved through this moment, we've found great solace in the following verse, and we reach out right now to you who are reading this to say that participating in the grand prayer for rebecca's healing is The Most Valuable thing that you can do, whatever your other resources are:


"For truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." - Matthew 17:20


blessings to you, wherever this may find you.


may rebecca's body be clear of all tumors

we offer gratitude for the restoration of her eyesight

we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas



in faith

-- dave macai-bolger

7/02: In Other Words

so, i mentioned last week that we were going in for a follow-up on an abnormal pap test that rebecca had had last fall.

we got the results yesterday in a note from our doctor:

"Hi Rebecca,

It was lovely to meet you and your husband on Monday. I have good news--all the biopsies were completely negative, and the repeat pap smear was also normal. This means you will just need a pap smear with an HPV test in one year. You can have that done at your primary provider or in our clinic. If you'd like an appt with us, please call 415-514-0800.

Enjoy your son!


Dr. Name Withheld
Associate Professor
Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology
UCSF Dysplasia Clinic"


thank you thank you and Amen and Hallelujah for this grace, You who are All, who breathed That Which Is into existence, whose joyous birth pangs echo still in the mouths of laughing babies of the roiling ocean's embrace of the love-cries that escape from our throats whenever two or three are gathered in Your name


we were also blessed last night with an evening in which two people, then three more people, stopped by our home/monastery as night was coming on, and it was obviously critical mass for a little prayer circle.  it felt gorgeous and lovely, and i noticed that right before i had been thinking "i just don't have time to pray today" but then, when other folks were co-holding it, i suddenly had two hours.

so thanks to you for all you do to make the Temple of the Waters a reality for us, and thanks for being part of our ever-continuing prayer circle.  i know that if i'm exhausted, if i'm tongue-tied, the prayer continues in other words...

may rebecca's body be clear of all tumors
we offer gratitude for the restoration of rebecca's sight
we offer gratitude for the continuing health of baby solas

in faith,

6/23: For Your Viewing Pleasure

this is basically a post-script on the previous couple of emails to say that i *finally* uploaded some new pics and a few videos.

the pics, per usual, are at the youcaring.com/tidewalker site, inconveniently located at the very bottom of the gallery tab. there's pics with solas and gramma bolger, and pics of mother and child, and Much Much More (act now to receive your free somethingorother)...

but it's clearly become time for us to migrate away from that site and create something where i can at least label the pics.  probably a "temple of the waters" home page is in order!  i've done stuff on wordpress before, and i've built stuff with googlesites.  but i've also heard good things about wix.  which is to say -- does anyone out there have recommendations for site-builders that are user-friendly?  and/or does anyone out there have time/skills to help us put together such a thing?

but i digress...

the videos are on youtube, here:

solas yawns -- a brief one, just what it says

solas smiles -- rebecca's masterpiece.  she's been trying to get solas' smiles on film ever since...well, ever since she stopped seeing double.  so he smiles a couple times on this one, which is hurrah, and we thought to share it.  these are increasingly hard to come by, as he is now aware of the camera, and appears skeptical about its presence.

solas flips! -- you'll see...

we are continually blown away by the love and prayer that you send our way.  thanks for all you do!

may rebecca's body be clear of tumors
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her sight
we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas

in jesus' name
blessed be!

in faith,
the macai-bolgers

6/22: The Dissolve

wow end of a long day but i couldn't (!) go to bed without telling you all about this thing, because it's news that we heard first but it's really Our news.  like yours. (y)ours.

so they did an ultrasound on rebecca's eyes.  which is...it's so far beyond what i thought people did to eyes that i don't know.  they spread goop directly on her eyeball to make it glide easier, or soomething.  and they gave it eye-novocaine, and they took a bunch of pictures of her retina and it's the same procedure (by the same woman) that happened on february 6th when we were first hurtling to this diagnosis and they couldn't find any evidence of tumors in her eyes.

to repeat: the same office that saw tumors in her eyes four months ago, who told us "these tumors in your eyes, they probably spread from the lungs, you should get a full-body MRI/CAT scan to see if there's something going on" - these people who sent us to our initial ones-of-those because of the tumors they discovered in rebecca's eyes, can no longer see any tumors in her eyes!

God be praised!

the doctor said that this might mean that the tumors are totally gone (!), or it might mean that they've shrunk back enough that the ultrasound cannot detect them and they're lying dormant and could spring back to life given the opportunity.  so we'll do these scans again every couple/three months to make sure the situation is stable.

or, more likely at this point, steadily improving.

all praise to the One!

i believe in our faith, i believe that the diameter of our collective prayer matches that of a mustard seed, and i believe we're gonna do this you all oh my Sweet Lord oh my Sweet you who are midwifing this miracle with us just as sure as those good doctors in the caesarian room midwifed solas into this world.

solas.  wow, you know you guys one day he'll be old enough to understand that this network, this communion of saintlies, gave him his mommy.  and he's gonna cry real hard and then laugh real hard and then i'll tell him it's probably a good time for us to get down on our knees and give thanks to the good people of the mustard seed and pray for the Creator to hold them with sweet grace...

you know that's coming, right?


the Other thing we did today was a bunch of cervical/birth canal swabs to make sure her previous irregular pap was just that. results from that in "a week or two."  thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

may rebecca's body be clear of tumors
we give SO MUCH THANKS for the restoration of her eyesight
we give thanks for the continued health of baby solas

in the name of our ancestors
in the name of the guides you've sent us
in the name of jesus, healer

in faith,

6/21: Prayer-crastination

things you probably already know:

* when it's a long time between these, it's not that there's nothing to report, it's that there's no time to report it
* i miss you
* your email or snail mail or voicemail or text updates of prayers you're making or thoughts you're having about me/us are always welcome
* sometimes when life and the details of everything get overwhelming and it's just boxes and bottles and bloodshot 2am eyes at 2pm then i rely on you all to be praying for us because i can't do it very good sometimes

things you didn't know, unless you're surprising:

* rebecca has a colposcopy appointment for monday.

what is that?  that's a thing they do as a follow-up to an irregular pap smear to find out if anything's pre-cancerous and to hopefully nip anything untoward in the bud.

so, please send prayers her way for all possible ease and grace of procedure, but most of all for the best thing to happen and for the doctor's hands to be guided by Grace

* rebecca also has a follow-up with our ocular oncologist monday

that's to take another picture of her retinas in order to see where the growths are at, or are not at...obviously there's been huge improvement in her eyes, and the medical folk want to document it and compare to the old pics they took.

the main thing about that appointment is that they flash really bright lights into dilated eyes for about a million years, and then it's sad afterwards.  so, prayers for rebecca's medical resiliency are welcomed on that front.

* solas' cough is Definitely getting better.

thanks for your work on that.

* solas ain't sleeping through the nights

and i love him and if anyone has experience in walking the good road between attachment parenting and "letting the kid cry it out" please let me know.

and if anyone would like to just straight-up talk me out of letting him cry it out, please first make sure that your schedule will allow you to spend your nights with us for the next week or month or so...'cause my status update is that i'm fried and tired, and that's even with a third person here helping us out this week.

* santa cruz means that when i'm broken down hearted i can walk to the ocean and cry on the beach while pods of dolphins leap, just there, just beyond the breakers, like a reminder that life is a dance that there's life upon life being lived out beyond my sight, and right here under my nose that i can't track and you can sit there and you can feel the morning dew soak your butt through your pants while you pray to mary and you can know that it's time for some emergency prayer and you can drive to st. columba's right now and still make the 1030am mass.

may rebecca's body be clear of tumors
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her sight
we offer gratitude for the continued health of baby solas

in jesus' name
in the name of our ancestors
in the direction of the Creator

in faith,