4/30: Another New Normal

hi all --

so it's been a whirlwind week but i wanted to drop a quick line now just so my next update doesn't wait til next week because That's Just Too Long.

is doing really well, with an asterisk.  he was exposed to whooping cough, which is a drag when you're older but can be fatal to newborns, and he hasn't had his vaccinations yet because they don't start on that stuff until 2 months of age (if you're on the fence of the vaccination debate, you know my vote is for getting the shots now that i know exactly what the stakes can be).  so now he's on anti-biotics which is kinda sad-feeling in my belly but the pediatrician assured us that the greatest pro-biotic in the world was breast milk so hopefully his guts will recover quickly.

all that to say, "we pray for solas to return to perfect health, Your will be done."

is doing really well, with the regular asterisk.  but last weekend we walked up and down to the beach (maybe 40 feet of elevation) and today she drove herself to acupuncture for the first time.  eating well.  kind. getting more and more of the old Verve back.  and we had our 2-week check up with the oncologist on wednesday and he continues to like the progress and we scheduled the next set of body scans for may 21st!

so that's now our date to head towards.  let's shrink these things as much as possible, team.  three weeks of faith-binging to see what we (and We) can do.

is doing fair.  a handful of people have asked and this is what i've said -- which is also what i'm saying right now -- if there's a scale of Flailing from 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst flailing and 10 being the best you can do while still flailing, and once you move past 10 on the flailing scale you reach the Coping scale...

...if we consider those two scales, i'm at about a 4 on the coping scale.

i used to think i was at a 3.  and then had a conversation about cancer with brenna.  she was saying how mad she was at the cancer.  like ah! i'm so Furious with all these tumors and *$&@# them in the *#)(#*#) with a *&$%^#@. and i said you know i really don't bear them any ill will.  i feel grateful for the rite of passage that this is, and all the ways that this has brought us closer to Spirit and cut away the pieces of our life that weren't really our life, and it seems silly to hate the thing that presaged all that.

i've been thinking about it like there's a river in the shape of rebecca (cause you know there totally is), and there's some black stones gathered on the shores and on the stepping stones that cross the river, and then a big spring flood comes through and swells the banks and sweeps those stones back to their source.  there's no animosity there, there's no rage or even much effort.  there's just this cleansing water rising. and the tumors return to the place we all began, in harmony with Source.  ill-will doesn't seem like it would help.

she said, that makes sense and you're definitely somewhere north of 3.

and another thing is that our on-the-ground support has gotten more sparse for ofcourse good reasons.  people needed to return to their own bioregions in many cases and then the folks who live in the bay area needed to resume the work of living in the bay area.  and to be honest it was easy for me to get into a woe-is-me kinda pout thing and to slouch around and do the things that needed to be done but do them from a place of Blah and Obligation and just give into the feeling of being trapped in all of it.

and then i started to get a sore throat two days ago and thought, "i know what to do about this!  i just need two days off..." before i realized that it'd be about 18 years before that amount of time opened up in my schedule.

and so, again, more woe unto me.  not challenging my fate job-style, but being the maudlin martyr.  which isn't much of a martyr at all.  jesus is said to have said (must be a better way of saying that) woe unto you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep, but i'm guessing he also said, off-the-record, "woe unto you who mourn and weep and Whine, for you're getting your reward for your hardship in This life.  and that's a pretty rotten bargain." (i'm paraphrasing.  but so was luke!)

anyway i took a bunch of herbs yesterday and also had a moment when i Noticed what i was doing and thought that Offering my service in Joy just made a whole lot more sense.  and today's been better for both of those choices.  i know i wouldn't want rebecca and solas to be without someone who was Always Here and if there was a sign-up for that role i would compete for it.

so i've won it.

so here i am.

service with a smile.

...this might not be the update that makes the most sense but i'm sending it in the trust that it's a glimpse into our lives as they unfold.  thanks for being part of that unfolding.  please pray for me to be a healthy, joyful supporter of this portion of our community, this subset of our wide network of hearts and souls called the MacAi-Bolgers....

may rebecca's lungs and the rest of her body be clear of tumors
we offer gratitude for the restoration of her sight
we pray for the restoration of health to baby solas, Your will be done.

may we be instruments of the will of the most High, the most Low, the Everything That Is, the great I Am!

in faith,