chemical therapy

this has not been spellchecked or edited.  read at your own risk.  (and let me know if you catch any errors)

here's our current gist: we thought rebecca would go to brazil for a month to do spiritual and alternative healing down there, but after we bought the tickets we found out our doctor wanted to start chemo sooner than later, and then that made sense and so we said "brazil for two weeks" and he sounded relieved and then i felt uneasy and i asked rebecca and she felt fine.  fine.  good, let's go with that.

but then tossing and turning in a sleepless night (this week's monday night) and the covers didn't fit, couldn't fit right and i'm wondering if we're making a Big Mistake and i'm remembering last fall when we went 10 weeks without changing up our treatment (after tarceva stopped working) and the cancer spread to her brain, and we can no longer ever in rebecca's life do whole brain radiation and so if it spreads up there well let's hope it doesn't.  toss, turn.  oh god my logic is chasing its tail and so god 'please if it's not the best thing let us miss the flight tomorrow and if it takes the car breaking down for that to happen i'm good with it.'

(it's pretty specific 'cause last time i prayed for a sign rebecca nearly went blind.  remember that? remember that.)

so up in the morning and off and traffic's bad hey maybe it's the hand of god and we need gas cause maybe god is working mysteriously but i can't help speeding in the highway whoever's will is whatever and we get there in plenty of time and i get a text from rebecca "they confiscated my cream cheese but i'm at the gate."

good.  great, i guess it's the right thing i drive away i get a text "mechanical problems, flight's delayed an hour."

"ah boo..."

"now it's delayed 8 hours"

that's serious mechanicals.  and a very clear, incredibly gentle sign.  it reminds me of what an incredible store of Power we're all generating on this journey together.  i hear from folks that have incorporated their prayer for this healing into their life rhythms in different ways: lighting a candle every night, saying it as part of brother paul was paying panhandlers to carry the prayer for awhile last spring.  everything helps, i believe.

and so thank you for carrying this prayer.  it's working!  it's so clear that it's working, and it's so clear that the path isn't going to be clear, but the ground remains firm.


so what that leads us to is that we're starting chemotherapy this tuesday.  if you've done chemo, please let us know what you did that helped work with the side effects.  and if you've known someone who went through chemo and got themselves cancer-free, we'd Love to hear that story.  already i know of a few people that have had wonderful results.

beyond the chemo, tides still feels called to a solo brazil trip, and so may make that happen in May.  depends on her energy. of course.

so the journey continues.  getting the news that we needed a course correction last tuesday, and then choosing a new course, and altering, and then abandoning it, and then taking up a new one took its toll.  tides was exhausted yesterday and broke down and as she cried she was just saying, "i'm ready to not have cancer any more."

and she's doing much better today after some sleep, food and a clean room.  getting her feet under her.  but for all of you who have stuck with us through this, who are ready to not hear about this cancer anymore, i appreciate so much your continued attention to this urgent matter (to pull a quote from those horrible junk mail envelopes that assault our mailbox every day).

rebecca can't simply choose to not have cancer (although of course she needs to make that choice) and be done with it.  you're choosing whether or not to show up.  and the good people at american airlines can attest to the fact that you certainly are.  bless your hearts!  you're filling ours!

...and solas is walking a lot now.

we'll keep you posted on the side effects, the drip, the everything. of course.

and away we go!


dear sweet Creator
thank you for Everything
we give thanks for the healing of rebecca
we give thanks for the restoration of her eyesight
we give thanks for the health of baby solas

we pray for rebecca's body to be clear of all tumors
we pray for rebecca to be in vibrant health
we pray for the best possible outcome from all of her treatments

we pray this prayer,
calling in jesus
calling in mother mary
calling in mary of magdala
calling in brigid of the healing well

with gratitude
we surrender
in faith