learning the language

solas is starting to verbalize more.  soon soon i will make the time to edit some videos of his babblespeak.  yesterday morning he said, "gaia."  and then he said "jai."  so we can guess that he'll be spiritually preoccupied similar to his parental monks.

also! our dear, awesome, wildly fabulous friend jessica is hosting a hair-a-thon right now. what does that mean?  that means that in rebecca's honor, she's cutting off her hair and donating it to a charity that makes wigs for cancer survivors.  and people can make a donation that's per-inch of hair she donates. pretty cool thing all around, and not too late to participate (but *almost* too late, since it ends tomorrow, feb 1st).

but the Main News right now is that we've got scans coming up this week, on thursday.  and we'll get the results from those scans next tuesday, february 9th.

so those will be a snapshot of where we're at post-radiation, post-john-of-god, post-tagrisso. 

my primary experience is one of numb terror. 

rebecca's appearance is healthy, she's eating, her body's getting stronger, her equilibrium is almost all the way back, she's basically symptom-free.

the primary difficulty she has right at the moment is exhaustion.  really intense exhaustion.  we think it's from weaning off of the steroids that she'd been on for 8 or so weeks. the steroids were to help prevent brain damage from blood swelling around the tumors -- basically, they helped reduce her symptoms while we waited for the radiation to have its intended effect.

and i don't know the ins and outs of it at all, but they also gave her a ton of extra energy. and when she went off of them (last week), her energy really tanked. it's improving though, she's getting back to being a shiny person who takes naps as opposed to a sleeper who sometimes eats.


okay, so that's the thing is that things look pretty good from here! which is great. so why the terror?  well, it just feels a little fragile...part of me *needs* to hear good news when we get these scan results back.  and that's not how it works.  obviously.  so it feels like seeing one of those lovers who sometimes is really into you and sometimes doesn't even acknowledge you're there.  that's what it's like loving good news.  tumultuous.  painful.  but i keep coming back.

healthiest option = staying in the moment.  working on that.  but i keep daydreaming about getting good news and daymaring about all the other options.  i love this lady, ya see...

and as grateful as i am for the scans and the certainty they bring, it's easier to be optimistic when we're between them. because there's less to interfere with my own story of whatever's happening.  it's a creative writing class.

in contrast, the scans feel like a mid-term exam. in biology.

and as someone who was always a last-second crammer, i don't know exactly how to comport myself in these moments.

i wrote a short poem about it - hope you'll enjoy it.  i've posted an abridged version below:

****"anticipation (abridged)" - by iridaea*******

antici
pation

***********
the unabridged version inserts 6 hours between those two lines.

but here we are. a bridge. yesterday into tomorrow.

what seems obvious is that hard moments happen in every life. and most of what we can do is choose to meet them with grace, or not.

right now is about choosing grace.

thanks to you for loving us, for making it easier to make that choice.  for being grace, for being channels for grace.  pray for us! <3

*************

SWEET creator
with gratitude
we surrender
in faith